I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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