ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
