You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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