My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
