I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
