Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
