why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
