People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
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i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
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I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
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