How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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