no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
