I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
