I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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