eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
