Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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