I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
