Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
