She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
