His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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