I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
