we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
