...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
