Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
