is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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