you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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