Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
