whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
