i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.