I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.