Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
