i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
