I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
