Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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