I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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