is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
