My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
