Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
So here I am, sexting at work.
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