I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
