I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Randomize
