It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
