Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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