My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
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Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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