i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.