my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.