he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
