the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
