I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
