Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My feet surprised me
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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