Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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