a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
