i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
