tonight lets celebrate not being married
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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