i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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