I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
