I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
