Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
