M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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