worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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