If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
