Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
